will you sing to me even if you have a terribly awful voice? :)

{ 9.30.2007 }

{ rain, rain, you make me feel lonely. }

sayang. manunuod sana kami ng sine ng mga classmates ko. I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU CHUCK AND LARRY. hindi natuloy kasi hindi pa tapos magtest sa CWTS yung iba and if we'd wait for them, gagabihin na kami. bummer! i've been wanting to watch that movie since i've seen the trailer two months ago. and it's an adam sandler movie! i'm a huge fan of his films. anyway, papa's in clark, pampanga right now. he said he'll come visit me later so he could give me the Harry Potter Book 7 he bought for me last week and Jim's iPod nano also. bakit siya ganun? bakit ang generous niya?? hindi na dapat niya ako binibigyan ng ganun kasi i'm so irresponsible!!! i hate myself so much. okay, okay. i'll study na talaga. byers! :)

<3 till hell freezes.
karen

{ 9.29.2007 }

{ independence sucks. }

independence overwhelms me and i'm being sooo irresponsible. i'm flunking ECO and BA. it f*cks everything up! nahihiya ako kina Mama and Papa. Mama's coming home for Christmas and she's going to buy me a laptop. I feel so guilty because i don't deserve that gift. there's only less than two weeks before final exams, and hindi ko alam kung panu pa ko makakabawi.

during ECO period, i fell asleep while taking the quiz. bummer talaga! i got 12/40. hehe. only two people passed and one of them was my seatmate and FRIEND! how could you not let me copy your answer, FRENIE JEAN SUNGA??? anyway, it was my fault. i studied super late the night before and slept at 3am. walang naretain. grrr!

i need some guide pa rin talaga. i'm super stubborn kasi and sometimes nauuna pa yung gala kaysa sa studies. but not always. etong week was super busy lang talaga and we had to make props for our LIT play every day hanggang gabi so that meant less time for studying. i wish i attended that time management seminar that the guidance office organized. i went to see the last UST-FEU game instead. :<

<3 till hell freezes.
karen

{ 9.23.2007 }

{ UAAP: Madrama. }

true, true. you can't blame us, the die-hard fans of college basketball. i mean, who wouldn't love the action in every game, the disappointment in every loss, the loud cheers after every victory?

i LOVE the moments when you throw your fists high up in the air when your team scores and scream at the top of your lungs without minding if you lose your voice. i also love the feeling when you're like part of this huge family and you don't feel discriminated or different. when you watch the game, you always feel like YOU BELONG. so when your team loses, there's a tendency that you become so disappointed and so depressed. pero pag nanalo, sobrang ganado kang pumasok sa school. ganun ako eh. :P

so grabe na lang talaga yung emotions after the UST Growling Tigers lost to the soaring Ateneo Blue Eagles hours ago at their do-or-die game. things just got more madrama! Coach Pido burst into tears minutes after the buzzer announced his team's defeat. i felt his sadness and shame. he was who everyone was counting on. he should've been the man of the game but Norman Black's team was just too good for him and the rest of the Tigers. si Daisy rin, grabeng magmura sa text! i couldn't believe it was her kasi i don't usually hear her say those words. i can't blame her rin naman. the game was so intense and disappointing also. last year was OUR YEAR. this year was just not ours. better luck next time na lang, Tigers! and don't worry, coach. I STILL LOVE YOU. WE still love you!

after this, i'm on Ateneo's side now. haha! neither do i want UE nor DLSU to win. hindi ko talaga matatanggap. Good luck, Eagles! :)

<3 till hell freezes.
karen

{ 9.11.2007 }

{ funeral for a friend. }

Why are there funerals?
-to remind us that there is life before the death and life after the death.
-to give an opportunity for the living to express love, respect and grief.
-to formally accept the death of and say goodbye to a loved one who had just passed away.

Our good friend, John Ritchie Cordero De Villa, left for another journey. We don't know why all of a sudden. He just did without saying farewell.

I received a text message about his death before i was preparing to go to bed. I didn't believe it at first. I thought it was some nasty joke my classmates were spreading. I asked Lance about it and he said not to assume anything so I ignored the message and prayed that Chi, as we fondly call him, was fine and alive. Then the texts kept coming. Confirmations that Chi already died drowned my inbox. I was dumbfounded. I was convincing myself that it was all just a bad dream and that tomorrow, when I wake up, everything would still be the way they used to be. But the truth was inescapable. Ritchie is gone.

On September 9, the whole 2-Dam section went to Arlington Memorial Chapels. When we entered the room, it was filled with silence, regret and grief. Chi was someone to be missed terribly. Viewing the body was an emotional experience. As we walked towards the coffin, it brought us closer and closer to the painful reality. We were all scared to face the truth. When we finally got hold of the courage we needed, we walked over to get a view of the person whom everyone in the room knows and loves. Streams of tears kept flowing. It was a hurt that won't be healed for another one or two months. The memory of Jong's death is still fresh in our minds and yet another has left us so soon. The guys in the class were the most affected. They were Chi's buddies. They spend lots of time with him, laugh with him, play computer games with him. they do everything and anything WITH HIM. They couldn't hide the pain they felt. They cried. They cried until they had no more tears to shed. It was so heartbreaking to see them looking very helpless as they stare at their friend's cold body through the glass. Wala na silang magagawa para mabalik pa ang buhay niya. The only thing we all could do was pray for his soul.

Chi and I never became close friends. But we sometimes speak to each other. Like one time he approached me and said, "Karen, di ba nagloload ka? Paload nga." The night before, nung nagYM ako, I placed "6 days to go..." on my status message. he BUZZed me.

batabatuta003: anung six days to go?
karengonzales15: secret!
batabatuta003: haha
karengonzales15: hehe
karengonzales15: *smiley with huge grin*
batabatuta003: hehehe

Tapos nung nagpaload nga siya, tinanong niya ako ulit.
Chi: Bakit 6 days to go? 6 days to go bago mo siya sagutin?
Me: Huh?? Hindi noh! Birthday ko.. Regalo ko ah..

Then he didn't reply. I didn't know that on the same day as my birthday, we'd lose him. Nung nawala siya, I didn't expect that I would cry like I did nung burol. It was just that the mere thought of LOSING SOMEONE who has touched the hearts of so many hurts me a lot. And Chi is my classmate for one and a half years. For some reasons, he still became a part of my life.

Until now, three days after his death, we still could not believe what happened. Tuliro pa kaming lahat sa classroom. Three days na rin kaming patuloy na nagdadalamhati.

Lance: (kanina lang sa klase) Si Chie lang ang nagpaiyak sakin ng ganito. Biruin mo, isa.. dalawa...(counts his fingers) pitong beses na akong umiyak! Hindi na ko iiyak ngayon. Nailabas ko na lahat kahapon.

Abi: (sa blog niya) Life goes on. Para sa amin ng 2-Dam, absent ka (Chi) lang ng ilang days.. Miss ka na namin..

Paolo: (kanina lang din) I guess that this would be an opportunity for all of us to be closer. Sana mag-reach out tayo sa isa't isa.

Ehlyu: (kanina) Sabi nga ni Doraemon, hindi namamatay ang isang tao kung bubuhayin natin siya sa mga puso natin.

Iba-iba ang reaction after nung nangyari, iba-iba rin ang coping mechanism over his death. Yung iba, tahimik lang. Yung iba naman, dinadaan na lang sa pagrereminisce ng mga happy memories of him. Para dun sa hindi talaga matanggap, patuloy pa rin ang pagtulo ng luha. Pero sa tingin ko, Chi doesn't want us to be sad for a long time. Nung nabubuhay pa siya, he never fails to make us smile and laugh. Kahit hindi ikaw mismo yung sinasabihan niya ng joke, matatawa ka pa rin kasi maririnig mo dahil sa lakas ng boses niya. If he's looking down at us from above, he'd be sad to see us crying. Kaya siguro wala siyang binigay na signs na aalis na siya is because gusto pa rin niyang isipin natin na para lang siya nagbakasyon, na babalik pa naman siya. He wants us all to remember him as a happy-go-lucky person na walang ibang hinangad kundi ang mapaligaya tayo. Sabi nga ni Abi, "Let us be happy for him. Atleast ngayon, hindi na siya nahirapan pa."

Chi's death is a wake-up call for all of us. Wag nang antayin pa na may mawala bago ka mag-reach out sa mga mahal mo sa buhay. Kung importante sila sa'yo, ipakita mo. Iparamdam mo kung gaano mo sila kamahal. Walang kasiguraduahn kung gaano kaikli o kahaba ang buhay ng isang tao. WE should all make the most out of it.

WE LOVE YOU SO MUCH, CHI! No one will ever forget how much you've made a difference in our lives!

<3 till hell freezes.
karen

{ 9.02.2007 }

{ a few of my fave people! }

1. (From L-R) Lance, me, Reina, Stephanie, Frenie and Anna. The best people i've met in college! I've been friends with them since my first month in UST. Their company helped me fight homesickness. I LOVE hanging out with all of them because they're so genuine. What you see is what you get. Plus, they make me laugh and that's one of the great things about them.

2. One wonderful thing about my family is that we are REALLY, really close. We're also a bunch of wacky people and that, i think, contributed a lot to our closeness. Everybody's so open---i tell my parents who my crushes are, my brother Jim informed the whole family about his relationship with his first girlfriend, my three younger siblings tell me what they hate about me, my little sister Kiara hugs and kisses me even when i push her face away (haha!), our parents open up to us too. And every Sunday is bonding day. I remember when we all used to wake up like 5 in the morning and we'd grab our towels and slippers and hop on the back of Papa's pick-up then we'd head to the Bonuan Beach and just dive against the waves! Papa would jog then me and my siblings would join him and take piggy back rides. When Mama's still in the Phil., she'd cook special meals for us on weekends. Then we'd stay at their room the whole day, just watching TV or tickling or wrestling one another . I miss that...

3. (From L-R) Manilyn, Alvin, Grecia, Janina, Aimi, Shari and me. Most of them are my friends since grade school. I met Gresh and Manels when we were in third year high school. Sa kanila lalong lumabas yung pagkamanyak ko. haha. Ang kulit kasi! When we're all together, walang shyness or awkardness. Everyone's comfortable around one another and there's never a dull moment when we hang out. Our relationship is very very special because we've fought a few times already, which made us understand each one better. Though we're miles away now and we don't get to see each other often, the friendship is still alive. And when we do get together, it's a pandemonium! It really is true that "Absence makes the heart grow fonder." When I'm old and probably suffering from Alzheimer's, my memory of them would always remain. :)

<3 till hell freezes.
karen

{ 9.01.2007 }

{ 7 days before my 18th! }

every year, i do the same thing on my birthday. i stand near the cake, make a wish, and blow the candles, which is my favorite part. but still every year is always special. on that one day that i celebrate the day i was born, i FEEL special. my friends, family and all the people dear to me gather around, singing at the top of their lungs the Happy Birthday song i never get tired of hearing. they look at me with joy and hope that i would grow into a great person and be blessed with all the great things in the world. and when all the flames of the candles have been blown on my beautifully made cake, the smile on my face won't go away and i'd wish that that moment would last.

having all the people i love be with me for just half a day is already worth a million gifts. my birthday is not just about me being the center of attention. it's not about the gifts either. what i love is that i learn how much i've touched the lives of my loved ones and that i do make a difference. i remember one friend saying, "Buti na lang andyan ka. Kung hindi, ewan ko na lang kung anung mangyayari sa'kin." I was so moved by what she said that i almost cried. being told how important i am to that person means so much. it's like i forget all the pains and frustrations i have and everything just falls back into place again.

It's the simplest things that mean everything to me. i'm not that hard to please. my friends know that. a real corny joke would be enough to make my day. my love for laughter is what makes me want to bring happiness to the people who have been a part of my life. it's the least i could do. i may not always be physically present to comfort them when they need me but i could be the person who'll put a smile on their faces.

For the eighteen wonderful years that the Lord has given me, i am grateful. very, very grateful. if i may say so myself, i am the wealthiest person alive because i found the greatest and most precious treasures that even Captain Jack Sparrow couldn't find-----MY FAMILY and MY FRIENDS! :)

++++++++++++++++++

When I was 6....
I watched an Adam Sandler film and said to myself, "I'm gonna marry that guy.."

When I was 7...
I received my first award ever, Second Honors.

When I was 9....
I had a big fat crush on my school mate who attended classes in the afternoon. My bestfriend and I fought because I found out she had a crush on him too. haha.

When I was 15....
I was in third year high school and I came back to Pangasinan (we moved to Laguna when i was 10). My friends in elementary didn't recognize me because I was so tall na. hehehe. X)

When I was 16....
Papa got mad at me because someone was courting me. He caught me texting at one in the morning and he shouted, "HOY! TAMA NA YAN! KUKUNIN KO YANG CELLPHONE MO!" i later found out na nagsumbong siya kay mama. apparently, nagseselos. haha.

<3 till hell freezes.
karen

{ 8.25.2007 }

{ infatuated. }

let's fall in love and run away....

i'm liking him more everyday. andun na naman yung mga pasulyap-sulyap moments. haha. and the last two nights, i can't sleep. i usually doze off at 10pm but when i think of him, it takes me until 1:30 in the morning before i finally sleep. ako lang ata at si jane ang nakakaalam. oh and marielle too. i don't want to tell anybody else because they might tease me about it and he might find out. he makes me feel kilig every morning when i see him. oh it is love! haha. no, no, it isn't. it's hard not to like him because he's funny. he LOOKS funny too. hehe. and i like him for that. he puts a smile on my face.

- would you still love me even when i'm fat and ugly?
-i'll eat as much as i could so we could both be fat and ugly. and yes, i still would.

<3 till hell freezes.
karen

{ 8.22.2007 }

{ on my diary. }

i have another emotional outlet aside from this blog. it's a standard size pink notebook with a huge "HANDS OFF" sticker on the cover. i read some of the things i wrote there and found these hilarous notes:

1. January 31, 2007
09:09pm A HEARTBREAKING MOMENT...
While on our way to the Eng Complex to get Steph's laptop (we were going to do our NS report at the lib), Steph, Reina and I saw TALL GUY with his girlfriend. I was sure she was because i think i saw them HHWW. Such a terrible sight. tsk tsk. just terrible.. :(
WE WERE SUPPOSED TO BE MEANT FOR EACH OTHER....

[hahahahaha! this is really embarrassing..]

2. January 31, 2007
09:09pm During Theo period...
Paolo: Saang lugar ang may maraming gatas?
Reina: Sa Milky Way?
Paolo: Hindi..
Ako: Saan??
Paolo: Sa NAPLE. (smiles)
(For the idiots: St. Thomas studied at the University of Naple)

3. February 01, 2007
04:45pm NATSCI Period.. (opening prayer)
Reina: Glory be to the Father, and to the Son....
1-Dam: As it was in the beginning....
Reina: In the name of the Father...
Prof. Santos: Okay, GOODBYE....
1-Dam: Huh????
: Yehey!!
: Bye, Ma'am. Hehe..

4. February 07, 2007
09:13pm Funny: Poet Alan Watts once said he was a vegetarian "because cows scream louder than carrots."
09:26pm May naalala pa ako... DUBBERMAN! instead of saying Doberman, Dubberman ang nasabi ko. haha. yung kinainan kasi namin kanina may malaking aso eh. akala pa nga ni Ate Charma BABOY.. wahahahaha... funnier!

5. February 15, 2007
05:41pm Tip#1 (Be A COOL Parent): Put a suggestion/comment box where your kid could drop papers containing his rants or suggestions on how he would like you to treat him, etc.

[oh mehn. i remember this. i was thinking about how i could be a great parent to my children in the future and then i just thought of making this tip so i could read it when i'm older. haha ]

6. February 19, 2007
10:57am OH MY GOD!!! i imagined that Prof. Garma's butt-naked. Yuck!! Wait, i didn't think of it. it just POPPED out of my mind. Honestly. WAAAAAAH! Help!!! I am a SINFUL person...

[ let me clear things right here. manyak na ako kung manyak but i swear, from the bottom of my hypothalamus, that i DID NOT mean to imagine that awful sight. haha. ]

01:51pm I'm here at the Reader's Cafe. Alone. Steph and Reina are returning some books in the Civil Law section. Sana maalala nila na andun yung libro at clear book ko. Haha.
Ohy! i STILL can't believe that i was imagining about my prof being naked. THEOLOGY PROFESSOR pa!!!! Forgive me, Lord. I just have to whack my head with a club or something.

7. February 28, 2007
07:25pm CHIKA MINUTE:
Saw Fides yesterday at the library. she said hi then i noticed she was with a guy. Well, not just any guy. He made akbay to her. Yihee! Love affair.

[ i do need to stay away from other people's business. pasensya, chismosa!]

know what? this is the reason why i keep a diary. it's fun to look back on all the things that happened in the past, whether it be an awful one or a kilig moment. i don't usually get to post on my blog so i write down all the crazy thoughts i get on my notebook. when i don't write them down, i don't feel okay. you know the feeling when you're constipated and you just want to let it all out of your system? that's exactly how i feel. MENTAL DIARRHEA. it's what Ala Paredes calls it. there's no cure for it. you just have to live with it. :)

<3 till hell freezes.
karen

{}

{ blog check. }

since people are starting to learn about this online journal, i read all my previous posts, looked for words, descriptions, et cetera that others might use to mock me and edited them. haha.

enjoy reading!

<3 till hell freezes.
karen